Mother's Day

I have sat here staring at this computer screen trying to figure out what to post about Mother's Day. I could just talk about how my husband made me breakfast and took me out to lunch and told me how much he loved me and how thankful he was for me. I could show you all the pictures I took today with me and my baby (and I probably will), but that would all be superficial, that would show you what our day was like but would not express the deep meaning of this day for me. It has been a desire of mine that this blog be a place of refuge for people, a place of healing, an escape from the every day and ultimately hope for the hopeless. I want to be real and let you have a real look into my every day life so here it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly:

In years past Mother's Day has been a day filled with mixed emotions for me. From the moment Noah and I got married I longed to be a mother. This was my calling in life. I was ready for children whenever God wanted to give them to me and well I assumed he would give them to me quickly. When that didn't happen as each Mother's Day passed year after year I began to really struggle to get through this day. Yes it was and is a day to be so thankful for my mother who by the way is an amazing example of what a Godly, giving, generous, loving mother should be and one that I hope to aspire to; but in my heart I felt empty. I would begin to resent the people who would ask "when do you plan to have children" or "maybe next year you will be able to celebrate this day". People had NO idea the inward desire of my heart for children and that God had told me to wait. Last year I was pregnant with Allie on Mother's Day and I remember thinking next year I will be holding my baby and I will be a "Mom". I couldn't wait for that day. I had no idea that by that time I would both experience the birth of a child and the loss of a child. Being a mom is one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences God has ever blessed me with and this Mother's Day was another Mother's Day filled with mixed emotions of pure joy yet still grieving a loss. This Mother's Day I am reminded that God is the giver and taker of life and I am so thankful that he has allowed me to experience both. That may sound crazy but in this I have learned to better love people, to not take the little moments of Allie's life for granted, to look beyond myself and see those around me and their need for the Gospel and its grace just as much as I am in need of the Gospel. To realize that there in no one in this world who knows me and speaks loves to me better than my husband does. To be thankful that God is not done shaping me, growing me, and making me look more like him. To rest in the fact that God is in control, he loves me, and I am his child.

For me I often wish that I could see enough of God's plan to at least know if the battle is worth the grief I would walk through. I felt that in an answer I would be able to rest in the peace of knowing and in that be able to either move on or plan for the future. The biggest thing the Lord taught me in the times of waiting is that living in the ongoing unknown made my worship a true sacrifice. True faith is often painful, and scary especially when you try to walk in your own strength, but every time I would truly surrender to Lord to be my strength he would take my hand and guide me through the journey. I pray that we all learn to enjoy the journey.

To those of you out there still longing to be a mother, or who have lost a child, persevere! I am praying for you and my heart aches for you. Allow God to be your hiding place, your strength, your joy and in this time allow him to be enough. Know that you would not be able to appreciate what the future holds if you have not walked this with Him. Seek Him for what he wants to teach you in these tender moments and praise Him for being the giver and taker of life.

I love you all (and I mean that) and I hope that in my experience God is able to teach you something. My constant pray is to be found faithful! So Happy Mother's Day everyone, I hope God is teaching you as much as he is teaching me.