What I've Learned Through Suffering: Part 3 - Humility

If most people who have known me my whole life were asked to describe me, humility wouldn't be one of the dominant words. I was the energetic, outgoing middle child. I was the easily overachieving student and the full-of-himself athlete. I always had a girlfriend and I was all too sure of myself. Honestly, when it came to my personal life (education, relationships, career, etc) I believe that I had grabbed life by the horns and that I would just steer (no pun intended) myself to joy, happiness, fulfillment and success.

I gave my life to Jesus at age 17 just before my senior year of High School. Yeah, some of you who knew me my senior year might be like, "What?" But I had resolved in my heart to commit my life to Him and obey Him as best I could. Obviously, I have grown in my walk with Him and my obedience along with it. Although I now professed Jesus as Lord, pride was still the "sin that so easily entangled."

But God had a plan. I knew that pride would a gross sin that would keep me from being used by God and bringing Him glory so I began to pray all those proud prayers that only arrogant punks like me do just to sound cool. "God...burn the pride right out of my life. Whatever it takes! Consume me and make me useful for your work."

It was sexy to say...especially in the presence of friends and onlookers (oh what a Pharisee I can be) but when God begins to answer those prayers...

In January 2007 I announced to my pastors that I was ready for bigger things. I was told to find them. The stress of nowhere to go and no way to provide for my family mixed with a crazy virus landed me in the ER, followed by a life-flight only to end up in the ICU with pericarditis. Recovery was hard and slow. The couch, comfort foods, and a month of inactivity were not very kind to my already out of shape 24 year old body. Though I can look back now and speak about the time with ease and humor. I laid on a hospital bed holding my wife's hand thinking that I would leave her as a widow at 22.

I wasn't going to die, but I still needed to find a job until I figured out how to obey God and plant a church. So I jumped on the first opportunity (and only) that came my way. I went to a church that had a different vision that I did. They loved Jesus, but our methods, vision, and plans for the future, including my job description didn't mesh. After only 3 1/2 months I was let go. Fired... but I don't think they call it that in the church world too often unless its because of some moral flaw.

In an instant I was living in a house I could no longer pay for, my wife and I were both jobless, and we lived in an area where we knew no one. We were alone. I pulled down a few weeks of work at Wal-Mart and Heather worked at Cracker Barrel. I was trained by a high-school drop out and made barely better than minimum wage. I guess my Magna Cum Laude in Psychology didn't count towards much in the way of stocking shelves.

It was during that time that I laid away at night worrying and crying about the predicament I had gotten us into only to get up 6, take a couple Tylenol PM's to sleep until noon, get up, put on my navy blue shirt and khaki's and head to the Mecca of Low Prices.

One day, in desperation I called my uncle. He reminded me of my prayers. He showed me how pride was a mountain in my life. He told me that God doesn't place a mountain before us so that we can find a way around it, under it or through it. If I was going to get past the mountain of sinful pride in my life, God was going to make me climb it. The tears, worry, and shame all had to come flooding out. I had to let them pour out of my life if I was going to be done with them.

During those next few weeks I had to surrender to the will of God. I had to confess my sin of pride and learn to swallow it. I had to realize that God was the One in control of my life, not me.

This would be a theme that would keep coming up.

The death of my mother - no control.

Infertility - no control.

Financial struggles through church planting - no control.

What I've learned through suffering is my need for and God's continual provision of humility.

Last week when I heard the ultrasound technician say, "I'm so sorry." There was nothing I could do. I am a husband and a father. I am a protector my nature and a provider by call. But in those moments I was face to face with the stark reality that I was weak and I was empty. No athletic achievement, no academic award...no gift, ability, talent or strength could aid me in those moments. I had nothing.

Over the next few hours we listened to the doctor explain the situation and then drove home quietly, fighting back tears.

And each day since has had its own share of tears as I'm sure many more days will.

But in the midst of the pain and the tears, God is speaking.

"I am God. I am in control."

I was never in control. Even throughout the years that I thought I was...I wasn't. God was. He is. And He always will be. Suffering has shown me my fragility. It has shown me my finiteness. It has shown me that joy can turn to sorrow in an instant. It has shown me that I never again want to fool myself into thinking that I am my own god... pressing the buttons and pulling the ropes.

I was reminded this week of James 1:17. Every good gift comes from God and God cannot give me a bad gift. In the midst of my pain, God has given me the gift of suffering. Because of suffering I am a better father, a better husband, a better pastor and a better Christian.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

God has uniquely gifted each and every one of us. We have inborn natural talents that we can choose to use for His glory or our own. He specially gifts every Christian for work in His movement of Gospel-redemption. But these gifts are just that...gifts. They are not ours. We love to sing sappy country songs about never taking a single breath for granted but most of us just love listening to ourselves breathe. We never realize they we're given every moment for a purpose...God's glory.

My desire, since becoming a Christian has been to bring glory to God. God has given me suffering to make my desire a reality.